Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy
Sizing up how our kids are doing compared to others is a bad idea. Here are 5 ways to fix it.
It’s almost like someone is escorting parents right into the ring of comparison. Early on cant help but start to notice how our kids are doing in the sport of choice.
Are they smiling? Engaged?
Do they understand what is going on? Very quickly parents start to take notes. Perhaps subconsciously at first, we see how our kids are doing compared to others. And thus, it begins.
The measuring stick changes the experience to a standard dictated by someone else.
Coaches, as soon as you determine which players are on the team and which are not, you are comparing. Even sooner, you put certain kids in certain positions based on not only how their skills are but how they compare to other on the team.
Is there a problem with this or is it fine and natural?
Like anything, context is important.
There are certain inherent dangers when comparing how kids are doing amongst their peers. First, because they develop at different rates, many get less opportunity to participate because they are not at the same level at 8, or 9 or 10 years as others in the group. Hence the mantra that everyone should participate. Secondly, and because of this, most will always feel inferior. This leads to a sense of discouragement. Our sons/daughters don’t run or catch or skate or kick as well. What is wrong? Nothing is wrong necessarily.
Often kids won’t notice early on. They are simply playing. However, as they progress and playing decisions don’t go as they had hoped, they start to notice. Without the right framing and tutoring from adults, this could start the decline in the experience.
Theodore Roosevelt said: “comparison is the thief of joy”.
It literally steals us away from satisfaction with our own situation, providing us with a yard stick on the thing we see as desirable. We see one thing in a person that shows us how we would like to be, in success or in worth and make an instant assessment of comparison.
This applies to many situations in life, including youth sports, and it can be very damaging. Damaging to self-esteem, damaging to participation rates and the very benefits we want from our participation are quickly undermined.
As adults we don’t predict very well what sports our kids will enjoy. We don’t predict athletic success very well at all. In fact, you would be amazed at how many professional athletes did not standout in middle school.
In other words, the ONLY thing we can control is making sure the experiences in youth sport are positive and comparisons don’t do that.
What does work?
1. Praise effort over outcomes. The reps – and the fun that comes with executing them with teammates/friends – are what matter. This applies to all adults involved. The effort in practicing the skills and developing something new are what should be praised, not the score, or how many goals were missed or not scored. The adult who takes the outcome too seriously sticks out like a sore thumb and this is what ruins it for all involved.
2. Celebrate trying something new. This is the lifeblood of positive energy. Something new, different and the joy that comes with making progress. Understanding that trying anything new comes with bumps in the road, trial and error but persistence will bring self-confidence as skills get developed. This is the foundation for a strong foundation of self-esteem, physical literacy and connecting play to fund. A foundation for a lifetime.
3. Make sure they are having fun. As coaches, make the practices fun. Different drills, constant movement. Variety is good, and the variety should give kids the opportunity to develop skills without even knowing it. The smiles should be your gauge how well practice is going.
4. Encourage variety for as long as possible. 12 months of soccer or hockey or throwing a baseball is a terrible idea. Variety helps kids from getting bored, encourages development in different ways and ensures they stay interested in various activities.
5. No surprise to our readers, Get them involved in strength training and movement program. This will help build their body, reduce injury but please, it must be fun, like everything else.
In summary, our kids develop at different rates. Comparing their progress to others is a bad idea and can be damaging for multiple reasons.
Encouraging having fun, the process of skill development, and providing opportunities for physical and mental development will lead to positive outcomes that include a lifetime of appreciation for physical activity.