TPM #250: The Lost Art of Conversation is Killing Youth Sport
Why conversation is so important in sport, why its shortage is hurting the experience, and what to do about it.
Happy Easter to those celebrating this holiday weekend. Thank you for spending a few minutes of your down time with The Physical Movement. This is edition #250 and an outlet started during the pandemic in 2020 is still going and wanted to thank you for your readership and support!
Let’s dig into this week’s topic, one that has slowly removed itself from our youth sport experience. In fact, it has removed itself almost entirely from our day to day world and been replaced by another form of communication. Of course I am referring to the art of conversation. The foundational communication skill that was a staple for so long in our human history is leaving us, and no one seems to have noticed.
Let’s take a closer look:
Conversation is the verbal exchange between 2 or more people on a topic or idea. For a long, long time, very little happened without a conversation. Before the telephone, conversation was critical in getting things done. Its invention made conversation more accessible and almost everything we did daily required a verbal exchange.
Daily duties such as banking, groceries, household and car repairs, anything purchased or sold required conversation. We spoke to our family members in the morning as we started our day, we had dinners together over conversation. (Did you ever have a rule that no one answered the phone during dinner in your house?). We met new people through conversation, we distanced ourselves from other through conversation.
I can go on and on, but if we pop our head away from our computer or smartphone for 2 minutes, we realize that we can go through an entire day in 2024 or more without talking to anyone. Everything today is automated, and the skills around conversation are disappearing. While some may smile and rejoice at that idea, especially us introverts, the reality is that this new reality is setting us back.
The repercussions of a lack of conversation in our culture extends way beyond youth sport, however let’s stick to this area for now.
We don’t have to look too far to realize that basic common courtesy has left the sporting field. I am referring to simple things for coaches like greeting officials and opposing coaches. Unfortunately, it has been my experience, that coaches’ conversations with young players are not very frequent, evolved or engaging. More on that in a minute.
Parents, well, the art of conversation should not be confused with verbal outburst. Too often parents have been found to talk at others in the youth sport environment, rather than with them. The talk is often negative and critical, loud and unsolicited, anger and noise that is rarely productive.
Officiating skills are also suffering, and I am not referring to their evaluation of the competitions (that is another topic) but in their management of same. In one respect, who can blame them for not talking much. At the younger levels, the officials who are often quite young as well, hesitate to speak to coaches for fear of being yelled at. At the older ages, conversations are not productive either in a different way, and so many of the conversations end before they start.
Lastly, but not least, the young athletes rarely engage in conversation with opponents. This surely has come from the modelling they see everywhere else in the world.
With each of these stakeholders in youth sport, unproductive conversation breeds a lack of engagement, understanding and waters down the experience. After all, we are social creatures. Most of us feel better about everything when engaged with like minded individuals. Youth sport brings together multiple cultures and customs, but at the surface (I am convinced) most stakeholders are motivated to participate hunting for a positive experience.
The benefit of quality conversation in and around youth sport is a better experience highlighted by the following examples.
Coaches: A skilled conversationalist, the coach can be clear with expectations to the families involved, able to understand the perspective of the young athlete and available to foster respect in all involved for the people, the game and the competitive process.
Parents: Parents who are strong conversationalists are able to listen (one of the key skills outlined below), learn and contribute to a positive process rather than tear it down.
Officials: The best officials manage the stakeholders in a competition as well as the flow on the field of play. The worst unleash a 1 sided dictatorship of stipulations, alienating many during the process.
According to the Center of Creative Leadership, productive conversations in a team setting are built upon 4 core skills. These could apply to just about any youth sport situation. Let me know what you think of these:
· Listening to understand. We must tune in to multiple levels of information during a conversation. Listen to the values at play and understand the other person's perspective.
· Asking powerful questions : solid questions set the stage for new perspectives.
· Challenging and supportive: challenging an idea and not the person is something that we almost never see anymore. Any challenges seem to attach the other person in the form of criticism and negativity.
· Establishing next steps and accountability. Good conversationalists focus on the journey not the destination and also wrap up with concrete next steps. When we think of the winning at all costs mentality, this is destination focused and often washes out this concept.
While your first reaction maybe this is a lot for a coach, official or parent or young athlete to learn, I would respond to that by saying it’s a lot harder to not develop these skills and still try to have a positive experience.
Here are 5 ways we can create conversations that improve culture and the experience in a group setting:
1. Address conflict in the open
The problems you don't address won't disappear over time – they'll just get worse. That's the paradox of conflict avoidance: the tough conversation you don't have today will be even tougher tomorrow.
2. Reframe negative narratives.
“it’s not my fault”, “it’s ______ fault”, “there is nothing I can do” are all examples of negative narratives that we hear too often in a youth sport environment. Listening is critical to address root cause of these narratives, and conversation is critical to reframing them.
3. Appreciate the positive.
So many times parents, coaches and athlete focus on what is not going well, as opposed to what is going well. Identifying the positive allows for context in addressing what needs to be improved.
4. Promote regular conversations. Scheduling time to talk, to listen and converse with stakeholders takes a lot of time, however, it is part of the foundation of a positive experience. It is not a coincidence that the best coaches and officials encourage conversation on a regular basis.
5. Design a better future. Regular conversation opens the door to hope, trust, transparency and constructive progress. While not all topics will be agreed upon by all stakeholders, understanding different perspectives through conversations tends to keep things more positive.
Think all of this is wishy washy or not sure how it can be applied?
Have a look at this exchange to understand the power of conversation in a tense, competitive environment. A woman official of Men’s elite international rugby showed exceptional skill here:
Go to the 2minute 06sec mark of this video (with the full story below)
Full story below: